236. Transitions

Do you ever feel like you're outgrowing alcohol, that you are longing for a deeper connection to life? If alcohol is keeping you playing small and feels like the one area, you just can't figure out you are in the right place. Hi, my name is Mary Wagstaff. I'm a Holistic alcohol coach who ended a 20 year relationship to alcohol without labels, counting days or ever making excuses. Now I help powerful women just like you eliminate their desire to drink on their own terms. In this podcast, we will explore the revolutionary approach of my proven five shifts process that gets alcohol out of your way by breaking all of the rules, and the profound experience that it is to rediscover who you are on the other side of alcohol. I am so thrilled to be your guide. Welcome to your journey of awakening. Welcome back to the show my beautiful listeners, thank you so much for being here, I just have to give a shout out to all of you for coming in for looking to shift your perspective to really listening to the call of the voice inside of you, that maybe has been forgotten maybe has been not ignored. Maybe that has been just dulled right by life by drinking by all of the things and really being willing to pay attention to her and be curious about that part of you that is sometimes feels intangible. And it's like you can you can grasp it. It's like you it's just within your reach, right? It's this it's this shift of perspective that you can feel this wholeness that you can feel I have gotten so many beautiful reflections lately, of you know, the podcast is speaking to me, I feel like it was you were talking directly to me. And that is so potent and so powerful. And I love hearing those reflections because I am, I am very intentionally speaking to the parts of you that have not been mirror that have been forgotten. Just as you know, our culture and our society have grown and evolved in the ways in which it has, there are parts of the feminine mysteries and parts of what it means to be a woman and are rites of passage that we haven't had access to. And I always say it's something that you don't necessarily know by mind. But you know, by heart, it's a felt sense. And I know for myself personally, when I went on this journey of awakening, I didn't know the journey that I was going on. I was I was a seeker and I've always been a seeker and a seeker and a seeker of, I guess, finding wholeness, finding the divine in my human in my human life walk and in this whole podcast, and this all of the work that I do, has been a practice of devotion of devotion to the beloved, to the sacredness of this life to the supreme consciousness. And we are part of that. And that is where we find the most satisfaction in our life. In the very real, what we sometimes consider mundane moments of life. And when we are constantly seeking the achievement and once and you know it, we still do it right? It just It doesn't 100% Go away. Unless that's really your life's practice. If you are a commoner and you have a family and you have a job and you live in this world and have to navigate traffic and go to Trader Joe's or whatever. Like you have a human brain and so it's not about being a saint, it's not about being a monk right. It is about honoring the humaneness of your experience. And when if you listen to the episode with Nora and I, her and I were having a conversation before we recorded that and I said said something like being human is the most spiritual thing that you can do, but fully being human, right like letting your humaneness be normal and normalizing being human and that's what this is all about. And also normalizing your difference as a woman that you experience on a day to day your, your amazing miraculous ability to feel emotion and let that tune you in and to experience Your body in a cyclical way, and in the profound clarity that you can have. And that's really what the retreat that we're going to be hosting is all about. So segwaying into what I wanted to talk today about transitions, I'm going to give you a little insight into my own personal life of what's been going on. And I don't often do this, you guys hear some of the things but, and I don't know if it's a generational thing with because of the presence of social media. And of course, I didn't grow up as a teenager with social media, or really, I mean, I didn't even have a cell phone till I was like, 25. And my mother made me get one because I was traveling, she wanted to be able to get a hold of me. And, um, you know, I had a landline, I remember using calling cards and stuff and wow, what a different day. But, you know, even then, though, it's still you're still human, right, you still have to do all the things and eat and figure it out.

But

it's so what I was saying about generationally is that people make with the presence of social media, and this is just, I'm just an observation, it's a little bit gossipy, and you know, it's fine. And it could lead into, you know, your, your relationship with alcohol and the thought that you've had, because there is a lot of declaring and going, quote, unquote, public with personal things in life, right. And it could also just be my part of my astrological chart. I didn't none of that makes sense to me, right? It's like, I've got to go public with this thing with this change with this news with this, whatever. I never, I didn't even really tell my family, I was pregnant until I couldn't not tell them. And, you know, just a lot of big life, things that happen. And, and when it comes to being alcohol free, you don't have to come out as alcohol free. And, you know, even as far as it is coming out of the spiritual closet, right? Like you get to just be that person or anything, I've always told my children that they never have to come out to me as far as their sexual preferences or anything like that, because I have no expectations of what that will be. I'll just be like, Mom, I'm dating this person. I'm like, great, right? So I think if we can change that, we can just accept that people are going to be people and their choices or their choices, and there's not preconceived notions or expectations. And that's a later episode that we're going to be talking about. Because the expectations, yes, there are societal norms, but the expectations often just come from our own brain. And what I've found about not having to publicly declare my sobriety, or whatever it is, is that people just care less to be honest, people just don't really care that much about those things. And if they do, then that's their personal responsibility. Right? Like your your actions are someone else's circumstance, and that your actions are the entire world's circumstance, and you can't say or do enough, quote, unquote, write things for every single person to have the correct thought that makes them feel good about your circumstance, you would go absolutely crazy. But what you can do is you can decide how you want to feel about your action and your circumstance and give other people personal responsibility to choose their own thoughts, because it's their thoughts about your circumstance, or about your actions and your behavior and whatever you decide that affect them. And that that you really aren't that is completely out of your control. Because one action can create 10 different thoughts, right? It creates 7 billion different thoughts, essentially, but it's just you, you can't please everyone through your behavior, and even what people say we never really know what they're thinking. So I digress. So I don't publicly come out about really anything. And I also think that when it comes to alcohol, it just makes it a bigger deal than it is. It's a huge transition transition. But what I want this what I want this transition for for you to be is for it to become irrelevant, right? But when it is the highlight of your life when it continues to be at the center stage of everything that you're talking about and everything that you're focused on, it cannot become irrelevant. Now sobriety will inform a shift in your life very dramatically for a long time. But really, you just get back to the way that you were when you were born but at this place with so much wisdom and clarity, if you choose to take that path, right like being a sober person is amazing because you're sober you have access to your full faculties and balancing all of your systems in your body and but I don't see myself as Over in light of alcohol, I see myself as sober in light of wanting to be a fully embodied human and to receive the gifts of being of every every single circumstance that this, this experience has to offer me. Like, I want to know what that is firsthand. And I don't really want it to be altered, right? I'm kind of past that stage where I feel like, I want to have a buzz. And that is something that people do grow out of and mature out of, unless you continue to consume alcohol, and then you know, alcohol is the reward. So this transition, you guys, you guys have heard me talking for a long time about my house in the mountains, it is official, we are gone, we sold the house, the property obviously went with it, we always kind of felt like, you know, we were stewards of the land. And, you know, one of my thoughts that I've used in this transition is, it was never mind to begin with. And I love that thought, and I will invite you to try to use that, even when it comes to circumstances out of your control, it was never mind to begin with. And that, you know, the Buddha says that that attachment is the source of all suffering. And we arrived in Portland, Oregon, so we're here in Portland temporarily at this pretty cute, kind of like townhouse apartment place that's really close to where Matthews working. And it's a stark, startling contrast. And I was and this is the other power of cyclical charting whether or not you're menstruating, you can do it is I was I'm like it was like day 27 of my cycles. This was two nights ago, and I got here and you know, it's like, it's a furnished place. So there's like other smells. And then I could hear this kind of little critter running across the floor from next door and it was bright, and things were running. And basically I had a nervous system meltdown Not to mention, not to mention that I'm sad, you know, I was I'm we can't go back to this place, I spent so much time at working from home and during the pandemic, you know, it was a very comfortable there. And that's, you know, similar with alcohol is like we can alcohol something too, I wouldn't say that this property was to my detriment, but in some ways, it was stifling my growth. I wasn't leaving, I wasn't really interacting with people that much outside of work. And so there was this transitionary period in there, and there still is. And there, the transitionary period was happening while we were getting ready. I mean, the whole thing took a very long time because of the the kind of the grand scale of being with this land and the house itself. And we had a rental and all of these things. And so there was just a lot and not we don't know where we're going. We weren't moving from one place to really excited about this other next place. And there's a lot of resistance that I have to that as well. But I intuitively know that were everything's working out perfectly. And we met the buyers of the home and we had all we needed was one offer, I kept telling myself that we just need the one offer. And we met these people and they're like this retired kind of hippies. And they loved the land they live, they said they could immediately they felt Mother Mary when they walked in the garden. And it just tickled me and I did so much energy, energetic work. And thought work about grounding that property and calling in the right people that would just love it and they're there. And I was hoping it wouldn't be a rental like that they would be living there and they're moving there and they have grandkids and just to think about them having all these memories with the holidays. And it's just such a beautiful place really was just such a nice thing for me and my own transition. And so transitions are the hardest things for people little and big and every single day you are making transitions, transitions are going from one circumstance and to another. And on any given day. Those transitions are going to feel differently depending on where you are, in your personal cycle. What's happening with the people around you. Even the you know the different systems of your body and where you're balanced if you've slept if you're hungry if you're hydrated. The phases of the moon I 100% believe that there's astrological components that show up that impact and kind of highlight different aspects of self that we need to look at. So the whole process of the, of this transition for selling the home for me, and I just wanted to also say that I'm just so grateful for for the, for the opportunity to do it and that it was just such a smooth, smooth transition. But it all corresponded with these really beautiful and I kind of timed it like that, but these different beautiful pivotal moments of getting our acceptance at the summer solstice, and the just when the house went on the market and and now when I'm recording this tomorrow is a new moon and it's will be close to my own personal New Moon, right. So I meant the waning dark moon phase is my own personal cycle. And that is what's happening astrologically I don't, I don't always line up with the moon phase, but I am and in having access to this information is really an opportunity for me to kind of retrospectively plan. So during this, I'm just telling you all of this as an example. So during this kind of nervous system meltdown that I had, where, you know, no one really understands what's going on with me and my body, people can, you know, Matthew can say, I am sorry, is there anything I can do, but he doesn't understand where I'm at with my body. You know, I was like, in this like, very little girl phase where like, I just kept thinking about my grandma, my grandma was here. And I felt very much like, I just wanted her to comfort me. And, you know, the thought was, how did I, oh my gosh, what have I done, you know, like, I made a mistake. And, but because I have this practice of devotion, which is devoting myself to my experience as being human. I was also in the background, there was this, this, this process, this, this background, process of awareness running that this was part of it, this was part of the transition, and that I could really hold space for myself for that, and I wanted to feel that in some ways, you know, I don't often I don't really cry a lot, unless I'm really moved to cry, but I I'm also very open to it. And it felt really good, it felt really good to not even want to be comforted. It felt good to panic a moment. And I even like emailed the landlord and said, I think we need to move what is the process for you know, leaving early, and she was very sweet. And you know, and then the tides shifted, but because I really gave myself that space, I didn't buffer I didn't do anything, I kind of cried myself to sleep and put on my headphones in my eye mask and just kind of went into the sensory deprivation moment. And I spoke to my grandma and my heart and I gave myself the opportunity to be in transition to allow myself to go from one circumstance to the next. And then you know, there was there was this opportunity for me to say of course this has been you know, not even just the three months of getting the house ready getting on the market selling it all of that but I mean it was a year leading up to us making a decision I've been talking about it for a long time. And you know, the emotions going from this these to stark contrast and my man just the sensory overwhelming all of these things, and then are just physical exhaustion. You know, I mean, we did everything on our own, which I would do completely differently next time because it was so so so much you know, and being available for Emma and him going to summer camp and, and still even trying to enjoy our summer in the midst of all of it and enjoy the process and be in the process and making sure Matthew and I are communicating like there was just a lot right making sure I'm taking care of myself. So giving myself that opportunity to have those 12 hours. And you know, yesterday was the last day at our house. It shifted it changed I feel very different today about being here about being in this new space. I slept great last night and I made accommodations for myself the bed was very uncomfortable. And so we have you know, four mattresses in storage right now. And we just changed the mattress we're gonna be here for a couple months and I we just changed the mattress out to our mattress and I brought in some of my own stuff and I'm I'm really honoring what I need and where I'm at and taking control where I Han. So it ends up really being a self concept of Who do I want to be in relationship to this transition like I, the version of myself, that was at Mount Hood in Mount Hood by myself communing with the trees. And now being in the city, which I've lived in before. I definitely know I'm not a city girl anymore, maybe I never was. But like, I get to decide, all of the parts of me that I mean, I really stepped into my power when I was in that home. So what are all of the parts of me I want to be bring into this moment now. And so when we have these transitions, oftentimes we're switching roles. And so we have these little transitions throughout our day from going from, you know, work to home, where you've got very much your you know, your thinking cap on you're, you're, you're organized, you're staying on task, you're interacting with different people. There's not really a necessarily triggers to drink, maybe there is that's a kind of a different conversation. But for the most part, you know, you know what you're doing. And then you get home to this other version of yourself that has these different responsibilities, but not giving an honoring that time in between. You don't really get to decide, what do I want this to look like, right? Because we often think there's work and then there's everything else. But we have spent so much time working, that we want that to be enjoyable, and maybe it is and then maybe your home time is the time where you don't like to be alone, or there's something going on at home, that feels very stressful. But you can look at all of the areas of your life and see as I'm transitioning. What kind what, what do I want to bring with me? How do I want to honor this shift that I have to go through? Even if it's a mini shift, right? Even if it's from stepping in from the AC out into the heat, right? Like, what? How do I want to honor that change? And can I give myself an opportunity to settle in? Right, we're just we are not robots, our bodies have these incredible intricate systems that are so sensitive they are so it's so subtle, right? We don't even know what's happening. We don't even know you don't even know, the processing that your body is doing all day, every day. And we just have this expectation that it's going, you know, probably an unconscious expectations, like sososo, shift on demand, right? Like, we move from this one thing, and we exert all this energy, and we have all these thoughts, and we have all this stuff to do. And then we're just supposed to change and feel completely comfortable, completely normal and ready to go. Right. And that's just not fair. It's not fair to your body. It's not fair to yourself. And there might be another thought. But I think that this idea of honoring, I want to honor the transitions of my life, I want to give time and space, right? It's like when we brought the cats we brought to bring the cats here, I feel worse for the cats than anyone in this whole transaction. Because the cats were just like these outdoor wild cats. And yes, they were killers, but especially one of them. And now they're in this like tiny little place, and they can't go outside right now. But we would expect that it's going to take them a while to kind of readjust right, we don't give ourselves that grace for transition. And so we shut off the, you know, the emotion, and we don't understand what it means or what our body needs now in light of this new environment. And we don't even really shift into the same frequency, but we shift into a familiar frequency, the frequency of alcohol, right? So it kind of shuts down the body all of the information that you that your body is telling you about this transition about what you need, whether it's like I said a bigger a little and, but nothing really changes, right? Nothing really nothing actually shifts about the experience. But what happens is you interrupt your body's ability to recalibrate, to naturally find us a stasis to naturally be able to become more resilient. Right? Where then everything feels harder. Everything is you are more sensitive to things everything becomes more anxiety producing. So in one of the things that's so powerful In my program that we do is retrospective planning. So instead of being like, oh, that didn't work or, you know, just kind of moving on, like, Oops, I drank like, I fucked up again, right? Which I just don't believe that that's even true. Like you didn't, you didn't do anything. You just had a drink? Like, maybe you, you did something that wasn't your intention. But I mean, everyone's drinking, so maybe everyone's fucking up. But I just don't think that that's useful.

But when you

go back to look at, what was the emotion, what was the need, right? Even if it was purely out of habit, right? What, what did what does that transition look like? What does that habit look like? And that's something we're going to talk about in an upcoming episode of how that whole cue and reward system works for you. But our expectations of how we should be transitioning is really what I would like for you to look at noticing where you come, where you're coming from, and what expectations you're having of yourself of this next new environment. Right? It could be from being at home to going out to being at a party to going to see a concert, what are your expectations of how your body is supposed to show up? And is it in a place for for to be able to meet that? Right? Like I remember, you know, it's like alcohol in some ways can give you energy, it's like rallying, right? Like, are you in a phase in your life where you want to completely override the messages from your body and rally, right? Or do you want not drinking to be an energy bank, right? Because that's what it is. I mean, sobriety really is a superpower in energy bank, for the things that really create a lot of meaning and connection, and in that refinement, and help you really step into the self concept of the woman that you want to be today. And for the rest of your life for your future, right. So really pay attention to what you're expecting of yourself during transitions, and

asking, Is my body

capable of this right now? What does my body really need? Right? And maybe you have a ton of energy to go do something? So maybe the question is, then if it's a habit, then why if I have a ton of energy, let's just see how I can use this energy right now to play this out. Let's just see where this takes me. And getting super curious. And also asking yourself, Who do I get to be in this new in this new circumstance? What do I want to be? How do I want to transition? Right? What do I want that to look like you get to create your self concept, what kind of woman do I want to be as far as how I take care of myself, how I honor these transitions, how I show up for myself. And there's always an opportunity to ask for support, right? Reach out for up to a friend, and not even just about drinking. But the art of asking is so beautiful. And I have to say, and this is another reason for the retreat is that sister medicine is the most therapeutic source of support that I've ever experienced in my life, really being around women that are vibrating with your frequency, and you're getting to know and there there is a tenderness and a love and it's just, it's just the shift that the planet needs. And I'm so excited to be facilitating it. And everyone that I've been communicating with, is so ready and just so needing and so wanting to be in community, with other Kindred, kindred spirits, right, and that really fills and reflects, right, when you see yourself in the other. There's a part of you that awakens to that. It's like I see you, right? I am you in so many ways. So give yourself a chance at becoming resilient this week. And, you know, transitions are hard because we're putting ourselves into a new environment, we have to recalibrate our body. And we and they're also hard because a lot of times if they're bigger there there are these new, these new self concepts this new way we have to readjust the way that we function in the world. But my invitation to you is, who do you want to be in light of a transition like do you want to crumble? Or do you want to be able to honor yourself, hold space for yourself? And then show up like a boss and take names. All right, have an amazing week. I can't wait to talk to you. As much as I know you would love to you cannot wish yourself alcohol free. You have to take action to do something different. So what I want you to do is head on over to my website Mary Wagstaff coach.com, where you can download the free training of the five shifts of intuitive drinking, along with a free guide of questions that you can ask yourself every single day. When you have an urge. When you have a craving when you wake up in the morning, you can make it a ritual practice to start to observe yourself in a new way. And it will guide you through the process of learning to tap into your own deeper knowing so that you can develop a new relationship to yourself, which will in turn and your relationship to alcohol. Mary Wagstaff coach.com To register for the free On Demand training right now.