237. Befriending Boredom

Do you ever feel like you're outgrowing alcohol, that you are longing for a deeper connection to life? If alcohol is keeping you playing small and feels like the one area, you just can't figure out you are in the right place. Hi, my name is Mary Wagstaff. I'm a Holistic alcohol coach who ended a 20 year relationship to alcohol without labels, counting days or ever making excuses. Now I help powerful women just like you eliminate their desire to drink on their own terms. In this podcast, we will explore the revolutionary approach of my proven five shifts process that gets alcohol out of your way by breaking all of the rules, and the profound experience that it is to rediscover who you are on the other side of alcohol. I am so thrilled to be your guide. Welcome to your journey of awakening. Welcome back to the show my beautiful listeners, how are you doing? How did you treat yourself during transitions last week, if you haven't gone listen to last week's show, please do transitions are so so so important. And you will be going through them for the rest of your life. And the the retrospective planning that I was talking about that I do with my clients really applies to everything that we do, because when we meet, we talk about how the week was and we celebrate, and we see what you know, what didn't work. And then we can really understand so that the next time that shows up for you, it's like, oh, yeah, I remember. And we can actually set ourselves up for success, it's a really radical way of planning, it's a very, it's an actually very a feminine approach of planning your life. Where, and I've talked a lot about this on the show, our expectations are really often what set us up for failure, because there there is nothing out. We are only in control of what of what we do. Right, we are not in control of other people. You know, unfortunately, we our children have minds of their own, which is a good thing. But you know, even though you have to keep them alive, it's really how our expectations of them that really create our results really create our feelings about what they're doing. And I find that having no expectations really is a really good place to start. And then you can see, you know, is this within I mean, our children are different because we have to take care of them. But is this within you know, the boundary of my of my values, when you allow people to show up as they are and you will allow yourself to show up as you are from kind of a neutral place without the expectation. So that's really the retrospective planning that I want you to take advantage of. Because you can create, you know, we go through similar things, right, like life is exciting, but we don't do things all that different often. And there's a similar feel, even if the circumstances a little bit different. So kind of when you're gonna, when you're planning for something that's out of maybe your routine of vacation, a trip family visiting, kind of think about what happened, what how did how can you set yourself up for success? What expectation can you have of yourself, and how can you release your expectations of the other. So that's kind of just my little intro for you today. But today we're going to talk about, well, I guess this is also about expectations of befriending boredom. Boredom is such a trigger for so many people. And I think it's just it's just something that really goes unexamined, right? Any anything is anything is fixable when it comes to coaching and when it comes to the mind, but there's a couple different ways to look at boredom. And you know, that it could be an opportunity to look at instead of moving away from alcohol, what am I moving towards while I'm moving towards like we spoke about last week, this surplus of energy so that when the evening comes, I actually can step into the space of doing some projects or reading a book or something that I that I know really makes me feel good and connected or, you know, something that I've been I've had on my list and I bought all the supplies for all the crafts and I never did the thing right? And we can override boredom right? And we can find things to do but I really find that that sometimes is also playing into the the need to do Do you feel fulfillment through extra external through the external reward and kind of that deep ingrained? internalized, you know, my worth is based on my output kind of mentality that has been created, you know, in our culture is like, of just being, like, how much can you produce is how much you're worth kind of thing. And you know, this life is yours, when you're born onto this planet, you get to decide what you want to make of your idle time of the time when you haven't committed yourself to, to working or, you know, to, to doing anything. And so that's the that's really as the new opportunity is, what's wrong with being bored. Right? What if boredom, and I have this on another episode about bored and lonely? Boredom is the opportunity to dream to create your dreams, right? Or whatever boredom you you shifted into. This is the time for my relaxation, right? This is the time I put aside where I have nothing to do and I can learn to receive. And that's what it is to, we kind of fall into habits of emotions also, that are simply just unexamined. And that's the power of coaching is we can really, we can really look at like, what what's wrong with being bored? Right? What is your brain telling you? It's creating the feeling of boredom? Typically, I should be doing something, right. So what's the more useful thought? There's nothing I need to do right now. Everything's a choice. And even if there was something that you thought you needed to do, is that true? Because the only thing we really need to do to stay alive is drink water and eat food. Right? We don't, there's not a lot we need to do. So that is something to really, really examine. Now we do things because we don't want the consequences for them, we go to work so that we can have money to, you know, live in places that we would like. So I think that's the first part of befriending boredom is really asking yourself, Is this true? What do I have? I'm telling myself, I should be doing something or I need to be doing something, asking yourself, Is that true? And if I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing, what would that be? Would I be doing something different? I think I talked about this on the show recently, where sometimes on my days, where I don't see clients, I will often work, I'll record a podcast, or I'm writing the book. So I'll write or I'll answer emails. But you know, I have kind of this flexibility in my schedule, which is amazing. And sometimes it'll get kind of towards the end of the day, and I have this reaction that, you know, I like to go for a walk at some point in the day. And I really do think it's an internalized patriarchal is such a systemic way to prove our worth to kind of earn our keep, right. But there's 24 hours in a day. And if you you got what you need, then like you're good. But I would find myself being really disappointed at the way that I spent my time. And by asking myself, What else would I have rather been doing? This was such a shift of perspective, because what I realized was that I was doing everything that I wanted to be doing, right, I actually was doing it didn't need to look like anything different. It didn't need to be I'm creating my, my productivity level, right? Like, I even if I could have gotten out for a walk two hours earlier than I went two hours later, does it matter? So why? Why would why is that a problem? Right? So I'm questioning, you know, from a place of compassion and curiosity, why is that a problem? Right? What else do I need to be doing? And I've coached myself a lot around this through the years and you know, I've helped women do this because we kind of always have these unsolicited to do lists, and something that I used to feel like I needed to do was have all of the chores done before I could sit down and kind of get to work or before I could exercise, right? And now I leave that for when everyone's home and we're just chatting and I don't have that because my alone time is really precious and you know, even getting out in the daylight. It's like I'm not going to fold laundry and put the dishes away. While it's super nice out. I'm gonna go have the option to be outside and I'll do that later. Right. And sometimes there can be a cognitive overload thing where you Want to be working in a kind of a tidy environment? But there's, there's all of these ways that we can really question the emotions that we have that we've just decided are the truth that doing X or not doing is boredom. Right? So the first place to start is what's the thought that's creating boredom. There's always a thought boredom isn't just boredom is an emotion. It is not a, it's not created by circumstances. It's not created by the lack of something to do, because a lot of people have the lack of something to do, and they feel great about it. Right? So we know that's why it's a circumstance isn't what is creating your emotion of boredom? It is your thought about it. So you first have to identify what that is, find out if it's true. And what would I rather be doing right now? Right? Did I do what I wanted to do? And if the answer is yes, the chances are you're going to alleviate you're going to shift your emotion. So that need for a drink, goes away can go away on its own naturally. And now the other thing is, what does a drink? Do? What are you doing differently when you have a drink? And why are you less bored? Now that you're drinking? If the circumstance doesn't change, because of the circumstance? If you can change the circumstance, then maybe you're not bored anymore? Right? You're gonna have a new thought about that circumstance. So if you get up and you start gardening, maybe you're not bored anymore. But if you don't change the circumstance, and you start drinking, why are you now suddenly not bored, nothing changed. The only thing that changed was that the alcohol inhibited the thought that I should be doing something or I have nothing to do right it quiet in the mind. And it created a sensation in your body. That was a pleasure response. And it overrode whatever the sensation was a feeling of boredom. But the circumstance itself doesn't change. And what's fascinating about all circumstances, whether or not it's boredom, or circumstances that create boredom, the feeling of boredom or not, is that it's all the same. It's all the same, right? Like when you go to a wedding, for example, you could be bored at a wedding, because of your thoughts about it, you could have the best time of your life because of your thoughts about it. Alcohol does not create the boredom or a lack of boredom, it is your thoughts about a circumstance. And so I want you to really look at that. And I just gave some examples of the lack of something to do is often what creates boredom for people but we can be bored when there's a lot going on. And in those situations, when you're kind of rolling your eyes. I mean, I went to, for the first time a monster truck Hot Wheels rally at the big like motor center where the basketball games are in Portland. And it was I was so excited to be there with with all of my boys, but it was a little repetitive and it was really cool to see these giant life size Hot Wheels. Monster Trucks, like the tires are as big as a house like they're huge. But it was very repetitive. It was just these monster trucks crashing these you know cars and there was a moment where I was a little bored and I noticed lots of people parents drinking because it was definitely geared towards small children. But I also looked around and decided to really be part of the energy that they were trying to invoke there was like being bored was a choice that I could make or not I also was really loving seeing Matthew and his two boys and the three of them together and being there and being part of that and it's not something I never need to experience again. The BMX type dirt bike things It wasn't BMX but it's like yeah, the the motor motorized dirt bikes that they do the flips the ramp and the flips. I feel like I sound so silly not knowing what these things are called, but that was actually really cool too. So anyway, there it was loud and there was lights and neon and giant trucks smashing and there was a moment where like, I'm kind of bored like after the first hour, right? So it doesn't matter what the circumstance is, it was my thoughts about it. My thought was, this is repetitive. Right? So I decided I needed to be here for another hour. So I they tried to amp up the crowd, and the announcers are pretty cheesy. But this is where I want you to take your mind this week, what is my thought? And it's going to be simple, right? That simple thought this is repetitive, created the feeling of boredom. Now, whether or not that's true, is also up to my interpretation. There was a bunch of people that didn't think it was repetitive, though it was like, How is this not repetitive? And what what else about this? Do I get to enjoy? And do I get to experience right? And it's only another hour of my life? And does that really warrant a drink? Right? So if you're in a situation like that, and how is this going to change? Even you know, even if say like that had triggered a drink of the desire to drink for me, it's like, how would that drink have changed the repetitiveness of it? Right. All it does, it wouldn't have right, it wouldn't have changed my thoughts that that was repetitive. So I would have still had that same thought. And that is the other thing with boredom and alcohol is that alcohol reinforces that. Yes. In fact, when I am home by myself, and I have quote, unquote, nothing to do. That's my thought. Alcohol says, Yes, that is true. Or Yes. A wedding without alcohol is boring, right? Or whatever it is, it reinforces that instead of creating the opportunity to have a new opinion, to have a new, more useful thought about a circumstance, when I'm home by myself alone, oh my gosh, I get to do this. As for me, that is my thought. This is for me, right? So this week, take boredom to a new level, be friend and also just experience. What does boredom feel like in my body without having to shift any of your thinking about it? share this episode with someone you love, rate and review the podcast. I would love to hear your feedback. And if you have any requests, please send them over Mary at Mary Wagstaff coach.com Have an amazing week and I am so glad that you're here. As much as I know you would love to you cannot wish yourself alcohol free. You have to take action to do something different. So what I want you to do is head on over to my website Mary Wagstaff coach.com, where you can download the free training of the five shifts of intuitive drinking, along with a free guide of questions that you can ask yourself every single day when you have an urge. When you have a craving when you wake up in the morning, you can make it a ritual practice to start to observe yourself in a new way. And it will guide you through the process of learning to tap into your own deeper knowing so that you can develop a new relationship to yourself, which will in turn and your relationship to alcohol. Mary Wagstaff coach.com To register for the free On Demand training right now.